They say success leaves clues. And I assert that so too does failure. It leaves clues and it’s up to us to study how others have reached both success and failure. Humans thrive on modeling. We do it as babies and children. Even animals do it. We find someone we want to be like and we model their behaviour. We see something we like and we copy it. We improve upon it. We make it our own.
So if you want to achieve something, you need to find someone who’s doing what you want to do, learn from them, find out in intimate detail how they achieved their results, either success or failure, and become familiar with those behaviours. Depending on your desired outcome, you either copy them or choose to do the exact opposite.
In my case, I learned very early on how not to be a parent. This was well before I had children, or even lost my virginity. I was just a child, but I could tell that if I did what my parents did, then I would most certainly end up a failure. So I tried to do the exact opposite of what they did. I watched them and kept their lessons firmly tucked up my sleeves, doing the opposite at every step of the way.
The funny thing is though, that when genetics are involved and you start modeling from a young age. Some behaviours become ingrained in who you are and you can never really shake who you’re meant to become. What you resist, persists. You become your parents to some extent, no matter how hard you try to not become them.
Or do you? Is it just me? What if some of my parent’s parenting skills were effective? After all, they made me, and I’m not that bad. Although, it depends on your perspective.
My parents broke me from a very young age, and I’ve spent a good chunk of my life trying to put myself together in some way to resemble a fully functional human being. I’ve done the seminars, read the books, listened to CDs, seen psychologists, and written my way to health, for the most part. Though if you’re missing some fundamental pieces like self esteem, stability and strategies for overcoming anxiety, then can you ever really be whole? You can only try to patch work yourself back together.
So here I am, a little tarnished and broken, trying to resemble a normal person. I know I will never be a normal person, but I’ve come to embrace the fact that normal may not be who I wish to be anyway. I like a bit of drama. I like feeling the air on my face as I zoom along life’s roller coaster. Some days less than others, but pure consistency can be boring, let’s face it.
So you could say, that in failing me, my parents made me who I am. The good and the bad. You could say that in blaming them for who I am, I am failing to see the full scope of the lessons available to me. In blaming them, I stay stuck in a place that is unfulfilling and doesn’t allow me to fully access the awesome and unique person that I am, or could be.
Even though I haven’t spoken with my dad for nearly 15 years and though my relationship with my mother is so strained we don’t speak for at least 6 months out of every year, I refuse to hate them, or even be angry with them. They are who they are. I will love them forever, in a part of my heart reserved only for me. They can’t control that. I won’t hate them for being fallible, for if I do, I can guarantee that I will repeat their mistakes and alienate my own children.
I’m going to love my toxic parents, even though to see them is detrimental to my mental health because they refuse to grow as people. As a parent, I see how hard it is to do and say the right things all the time. I do my best, I love them to my fullest, and when I snap, I always apologise and let them know that I will try to do better next time.
Should I resent my parents for not being perfect? Hell no! They helped to shape me. They were the pressure that turned my charcoaled heart into a diamond, or at very least a zirconia. And what’s wrong with being a zirconia? It’s shiny and it is not a blood diamond. It’s for all intents and purposes a diamond with potentially perfect clarity, but it was made on purpose, not by chance. It was made because someone wanted to craft something beautiful out of something dark.