They say ‘write what you know.’ Well I know how to fail at weight loss. I’ve been practicing since I was in nappies.
It all started with a mother who didn’t know what to feed her baby. She was young and living in a country that didn’t speak English and she was unable to understand the advice. ‘Give her some pear, apple, banana, orange.’ But she didn’t realise that meant one or the other. So she gave it all to me. And I ate it all. Apparently.
I’ve been told this story so many times. It makes me feel like I was born faulty because babies aren’t meant to over eat. They’re meant to stop when they’re full. But not me. I was born to fail.
I was always over weight. And I learned to emotionally eat at a very young age when I was used as a pawn in a very messy divorce. It got ugly, and I mean U G L Y.
My mum threw my dad out when I was four years old and it totally broke me. I shattered into a million pieces. He was my hero (in my mind), so I started to hate my mum.
I used food to punish her. She wanted to fix me, because being a fat kid was not acceptable. Certainly not in the 80’s. Her family used to berate her for my weight. I hated those old biddy bitches.
As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with me. It took years of being denigrated, mocked, teased by kids at school, emotionally abused and placed on diets to break me down and make me hate myself.
All I ever wanted was for someone to see me. I mean, really see me. See all of me, not just my weight. I was, after all, the same person, no matter what I looked like.
I was never given positive feedback. I was never complimented, so when I finally heard a compliment for the first time when I was a pre-teen, I just rejected it. I was then taught a very valuable lesson about accepting compliments.
But it was too late for me. By my teenage years, I’d been stuck in cycle of yo-yo dieting. My mum tried to help me by sending me to doctors, putting me on tablets, getting me a personal trainers. She did everything except for lead by example.
The first time I actually decided to lose weight for myself, I was about 19 years old, living with flatmates and I’d hit my heaviest. I’m not even going to say how heavy I was, because I still carry the shame. Maybe one day.
At the time, I worked for a couple of Chinese people who owned a fish and chip shop. Perhaps there were cultural differences, perhaps they were just arseholes. But when the wife said to me ‘you’d be so pretty if you just lost weight,’ something inside of me snapped and I lost it. I decided to put myself on a diet of my own invention. It was the ’20 grams of fat or less a day diet.’ I did it out of anger, to show them that even if I lost weight, I’d still be the same person.
Within three months, I’d lost about 20 kilos. I was doing really well. When I smoked pot with friends, I’d munch out on pretzels and lollies and drink diet coke. I’d go to the gym 3 times a week and do weights and the exercise bike.
But then when I stopped that, I gained back about 10 kilos, so I went to the doctor and got Duromine, an appetite suppressant. I kept doing the diet and gym too and lost another 20 kilos. So I was about 30 kilos down in a short amount of time. I had a new job and friends and was happy. I was finally discovering clothes and getting some self-esteem.
But then I started to get male attention and did not cope with that. I’d never really had it before. I’d always been so angry and messed up at school, that I kept people at arms length. I’d had crushes, but would always choose someone unattainable so I didn’t have to actually put my heart on the line. I could just put it down to my weight every time I got rejected.
So I started to put the weight back on. It was easier than dealing with my actual shit.
A really close friend of mine died and life would never be the same. So I did the Landmark Forum and decided that I’d stop all that anger and start living life.
I started studying massage and moved to the other side of the country for a little bit of adventure, while my other friends went overseas. Life was good. I lost about 10 kilos and by this time was more than enjoying my single life… wink wink. I was a hoe for a bit…but you got that, didn’t you.
After nearly a year, I was in my mid 20’s and decided to move back home. I’d had my heart broken, or should I say tarnished and had gained some weight back. So when I got back, I started on Weight Watchers, and lost 17 kilos.
I was finally in a great place emotionally and was happy. I was writing every day and looking after myself. That’s when I met my soon to be partner/eventual husband. He lived in England and was over in Australia for a holiday, visiting his family. It just so happened that his cousin was one of my best friends.
We didn’t hit it off straight away, but one day we connected and boom, we fell in love. We were attached at the hip for only two weeks before he had to leave. We had a long distance relationship for six months and then I moved over there. I had gained some weight back while we were apart. He didn’t mind. He loved me for me.
I didn’t have to impress anyone. Weight loss stopped being about anyone else, and started being about me. I went through Weight Watchers several other times, but was so stuck in a cycle of gain/lose/gain/lose that I would never throw out my clothes because I might need them again.
After 18 months of fun traveling and working, we moved back to Melbourne together and started our new lives. In the UK, I had clothing options that I’d never imagined in Australia. That’s when we decided to open a plus size clothing business. It launched online in 2008. We did that for a really long time. It is still running to this day, online only, though we did have a shop for 9 years too, until the birth of my second baby.
After the birth of my first baby, I hit an all-time low again. I had gained weight yet again and decided to use My Fitness Pal and chose to cut out sugar this time, because I’d learned that it was bad for your health. The rules of weight loss had apparently changed. I lost 27 kilos that time, and rocked up to my 20 year high school reunion feeling amazing. I felt like I looked good. I got so much closure from it too.
But then I started to slowly gain the weight again. I learned about Ghrelin and Leptin, two key hormones that are responsible for turning on and off hunger. In obese people, these two hormones get pretty fucked up. When you lose weight, they go all out of whack trying to make you fat again. It’s because of homeostasis, a mechanism in your body that tries to restore your body to its happy place or set point. You can try all you like to lose weight. You will most likely return to your size when you try to shift the weight.
I got pregnant again after trying for a year. I miscarried. That was fucking torturous. I won’t even go there right now, but if you’re going through that, please know that you are not alone and it doesn’t have to be a taboo. Talk to people about it. It is ok to feel pain.
I gained some emotional weight after that. And within two months I was pregnant again. I was not ready for it. I hadn’t lost the weight I’d gained. But it didn’t matter. I set myself a goal of only gaining the bare minimum and I achieved that, but a nasty bout of post natal depression has seen me gain a bit of weight in the five months since she was born.
But now my baby has started childcare and I can get back to writing. I know I’m going to tackle my weight again. Because to not do it is not an option for me. I want to be around for as long as I can be for my kids. I know I’m playing a game of Russian roulette and no amount of shaming or body positivity is going to change the fact that it’s nearly time for me to own my weight shit again.
In the words of J.K. Rowling, ‘Being fat is not the worst thing you can be. ‘
I love being a body positive advocate, but sometimes it’s hard to love your own body. I look in the mirror and yes I love myself, but I don’t love that I still look 6 months pregnant and can’t fit into my clothes that used to make me feel good.
But I accept that weight gain is just a symptom of anxiety for me. It’s about me not dealing with my emotions and fears. If you want to fail at weight loss, just stop trying.
If you want to succeed, well, It’s never that hard to lose weight if you put your mind to it. There’s about 5 million different ways you can do it. You just have to decide which method you’re going to use and stick to it. The trick to losing weight and keeping it off, is to make it sustainable for your whole life. Either that, or accept that you’re a yo-yo dieter and you’re trapped in a cycle of being on or off the ride. That’s where I’m at.
Personally, I’ve downloaded a couple of books about emotional eating, and eating like a thin woman. Not because I think thin women are better than me (or worse for that matter), just because I want to take whatever lessons I can about everything in life.
And if I’m honest, I use my larger size as a way to stand out. I like being different. I don’t mind being plus sized, but I just want to be healthier. So fairly soon, I’m going to jump back on track to a healthier way of being.
I’m still going to rock my curves. My identity is wrapped up in being plus sized. I don’t think that will ever change. In fact I feel sorry for people who have their identity wrapped up in being thin or young. Those things are very likely to change over time (obviously age will…). People who are are attached to being thin are potentially setting themselves up for a fall in the future when their hormones change or they have kids or discover they love wine.
Maybe I’m being pessimistic. I know everyone is different and I know I don’t have all the answers.
But I think the closest thing to absolute truth here is that there are many reasons why we gain weight and keep it on and there are many ways to lose weight, though only 5% of people keep it off long term because of hormones.
Oh, and anyone who thinks they have all the answers is an idiot or is probably trying to sell you something.