I used to believe in the law of attraction. I studied all the books, listened to the CD’s, faithfully regurgitated the premises to anyone who showed interest. I wholeheartedly believed in my ability to attract whatever I wanted. And for the most part it worked.
Then one day I met a woman at a wedding who also believed in the law of attraction and we hit it off. She said that she had gotten her manifestation times down to 24 hours. I asked her more about that. She said that you have to set a date by which you wish your manifestation to come to you.
So I set a about creating a date for the last manifestation on my vision board. I wanted to pay cash for a house. I had no idea how I would manage it, but I stepped into the vision and talked about it, believed in it, knew in my soul that it would come true.
I started entering charity home lotteries; about seven in the space of a month, because it seemed logical that if I bought a ticket for $10, I would win the house and therefore I would have paid cash for a house.
I imagined winning multiple lotteries because my faith was so strong.
The date rolled around, and I hadn’t manifested my vision. I thought ‘that’s ok, god’s delays are not god’s denials,’ so I extended the date by another three months, thinking that I just hadn’t given it enough time.
The next date rolled around and still no win. I couldn’t understand it. I was flabbergasted. I had been waiting for the motherload to arrive and when it didn’t again, I started to question everything I believed in.
Could the whole law of attraction thing be complete bullshit? It was like a switch was flicked in my brain, and from that moment, I stopped believing in it and god, even though I had been living my life that way for so long. I’d had evidence of it working in my life, and being grateful for it. But now, I was lost.
I didn’t want to go and get a mortgage like everyone else. I didn’t want to be chained for the next thirty years to a bank, never really having the satisfaction of owning my own home. And aside from that, there was no way we could escape our financial debts and save up a deposit. I just wanted to win the lottery so badly.
I started buying a few extra lottery tickets; mostly for lotteries with over $20 million in first prizes. I imagined winning. I’d take hours just engulfed in my imaginary land where I was a lottery winner.
But I never won more than my money back on a ticket. I became resentful, that this thing I wanted so badly was not coming to me. I know how stupid this sounds. I can’t believe I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in a fantasy with such entitlement. I justified it by saying if I won I would do so much good with the money. I would help all these people, and would be able to just write and reach my full potential instead of wasting time on the day-to-day drudgery of life.
I moved on with life, though somewhat less fulfilled. For years I’d had a conversation with god going through my head. It was a friendship, a partnership. I never really felt alone. But all of a sudden I didn’t believe in god. I let my atheist brother tell me more about atheism. I was never certain what I believed in, but I started to feel better about questioning everything, rather than just blindly believing.
I knew what I wanted to believe, but I just explained to people that though I’d love to believe in god or spirituality, I just had no proof.
Years passed and I’d been researching lottery winners. I came to understand that many people who’d won the lottery said it ruined their lives. There were countless tales on the internet of how winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to them.
Some lottery winners had been murdered for their money, some couldn’t find an honest relationship because they were strategically targeted by those wanting money. It had ruined many a marriage through infidelity and just deciding they no longer loved their partners. Many had snorted their way through winnings or had ended up spending more money than they had, eventually going broke and ending up in debt. Others had experienced a chain of events that meant they lost their children or grandchildren to depression, some had been taken to the cleaners by scammers. Almost everyone found out who their real friends were when they said either yes or no to giving away money. And other winners had been publicly shamed for not tipping enough or not always picking up the tab.
It seems that winning the lottery doesn’t take away your problems. It actually intensifies them. It makes you more paranoid, less grateful, and if you don’t have an extremely strong family and sense of self, with a sound investment strategy, it could end any happiness you have.
My research slowly sank in and made me understand that although life wasn’t always peachy, my family were my teammates and we were working together with the common goals of growth, love and support.
We were eventually able to purchase a house. My husband went and found a great job that paid well and allowed him to use the skills he had learned through our business, and his family helped us out with a deposit for a house. We know how lucky we are and that many people don’t have that kind of privilege. I still feel so sad for all the people who are unable to get assistance from family.
With my immediate family having been homeless for a period growing up as a teenager and having to rely on government housing, I have some serious issues around not having enough. So I’m very present to the fact that the fear of scarcity runs many of my thought processes. I am still trying to heal this fear and am grateful every day for what we have achieved in terms of where we were and where we are now.
If there’s something I’ve learned from paying attention to the back-stories of entrepreneurs, it’s that when something is handed to you, you don’t value it enough. You squander it and when you have nothing left, you end up right back where you were if you are lucky. But when you earn something, you always have the skills to earn it again if you ever lose it.
So many entrepreneurs have gone broke but have been able to come back from that because they knew what skills it took to earn the money again. Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a rod and teach him how to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I still buy the occasional lottery ticket out of habit, because why not? I like a bit of drama so if I was to win, I’d buy lots of houses and help out charities, after my long holiday and putting aside money for my kid’s educations. And when I hear about people winning the lottery, I am equal parts happy for them and concerned for them at the same time.
I also buy charity home lotto tickets each month still. But rather than being resentful when I don’t win, I am happy for the winners and see the charity lotto ticket as a chance to donate to charity.
When we bought our house last year, I realised that I was really happy with it and wouldn’t change it for all the free houses in the world. I am enjoying the journey and enjoying learning about how to be self sufficient rather than giving my power away to some mysterious dude in the sky.